My name is ...

My name is ..Melissa..
and I'm bad at introductions...
I dont have much to say about myself...
I suck at a lot of things...
to remember, to feel happiness, to relax, to not be able to cry, to especially receive help
noone appreciates me, noone cares,
i dont have someone who can believe in me.. when I tried so hard to be there,
i had enough... i cant believe in myself anymore... maybe what i see is myself is what i believe in myself...
i cant stand myself.. i hate myself..
Im fucking fine, I have 2 perfect pair of eyes with lovely shape, I have cute teeth , i have hair that drops down in layer waves and reacches, i have shorter height which makes it cute, I have everything a girl can want... my health is good
my grades were good, i had band 5, im quick on my toes in sports, I have funny skills and accents at times... I can make ppl laugh if i want to.. i can be a happy sport if i want to.. i like sports, i feel im improving each time..
i can draw i can dress up, i can go happy..
but one thing i cant... is make my smile change each day..
the smile in my heart is turning more and more sad..
I stretch my mouth jaws once in a while, hear it pop, i blink my eyes a lot to get it right, i try to slim my face, maybe sharp it a bit to put that more permanent fixture of smile each day..
every sharper smile, but tearing deep heart..

im getting more fearful each day... im losing confidence.. im scared... im scared noone would be there for me ... im scared people dont really care... im scared to cry... im scared to speak out.. i dont know what to believe in anymore... im scared to ..

i dont have strength each time... i fall asleep with my laptop heat seeping in my head till 3 am in my dorm room.. i get up with the lights on... i quickly rush off everything, brush my teeth, then set my alarm...

I go back to my routine of uni classes each day.. I hate it when its 8 am... I have to quickly striking mentally my brain before class starts... i get so depressed... its like a dark cloud over me ...

i cant feel the sun.. the fresh air.. sometimes its so suffocating... i have a nice airy third floor room which has a nice breeze and fresh air and lovely sun outside... i know its there... but i cant feel it...

i feel liek crying so bad everytime... i cant get a tear out.. the last time i cried... i almost choked of sadness.. my heart felt so hurt.. i could not pack for the next day of sem 2 in uni... i vomited 5 times in the evening and could not sleep for 3 hours... i woke up the next day, took a pill and vomited 3 times again..

im giving up.. but im not... im fainting at every early corner when doing work... im sleeping at 12 pms .. to get up at 3...

im supposed to be doing heaps of assignments. but im not..

i'll probably grab packets of biscuits and sugared drinks again to keep up my mood.. I hate it when this happens.. I cant control myself...

I have no true friends... people only want to come for me for help.. when i am useful and my brain still well... If theres any connections, Im as insecure as a shyt..
fucking shyt...

I'm in pain so much, i dont know what to do...
i cant make anyone proud. i cant be there for myself, WHAT THE FUCK?! WWHAT THE ACTUAL MOTHER FUCKING FUCK??? I have no self-esteem.. i got noone to depend to... i cant cry and laugh with someone .. i want to laugh with someone heartily ... to know that the stars above can be my sweet hope if guide and love...

i cant cry.. i want to cry.. most people out there want to contribute to the world.. i dont know, i dont care.. i want to cry..

Im fucking 20... I have no grip in life.. Im sad as fuck as an otter who let go of his partner.. I dont have belief... I am a lost kitten in front of a drain with green grass, fresh air,warm sun at the other end.. There's a mini mouse there,  but i cant jump.. Im scared.. the water is gushing... I look down, and see a reflection...  A broken soul , a broken heart, i cant look at myself for too long... or i might just fall down at the pavement again feeling acid tears that were never there...

I dont know where my life is heading.. im scared... i want to join aiesec so badly, but I'm scated...I'm a good influence, but noone fucking believes me... noone cares to see how deep a pain can be... noone.. because i cannot..

I'm shattered, shattered glass, everywhere inside out.. the mirror is just a thing to me... a thing to try to make myself feel better each day.. but i cant.. im sad... i m...